Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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