He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
