I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
