i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
