Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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