How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
