i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
