Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
