There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
