Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
