I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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