I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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