feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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