the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
