You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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