I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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