even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
