oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
