I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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