It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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