I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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