I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
