Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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