if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
