Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
