okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
