We're like a lot better than the average bears
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
