Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
