I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
