i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
