Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize