1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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