I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
