It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
