I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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