Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
