i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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