Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I love you. Go after that dick
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
