Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can feel your judgement through the phone