did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
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please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
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Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.