What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets