beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
