He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
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i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis