So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
