I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.