i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
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Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low