I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
