I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
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I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.