On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
