I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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