Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
