Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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