I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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