I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
