Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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