So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
