I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
