If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
