I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
