I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
